Use a Bidet

One of the things that I missed the most when moving from Argentina to Switzerland in 1991 wasn’t the meat, nor the alfajores, nor the dulce de leche, but the humble bidet in every bathroom.

Warning: possibly offensive language ahead (something quite uncommon on this blog, I must say.)

I will not describe what a bidet is, because there’s Wikipedia for that, and here’s an Instagram post about the subject if you prefer, but suffice to say that there isn’t a better way to have a clean asshole than to use a bidet after every defecation. There is no amount of dead trees sorry, toilet paper that can leave your rear end as clean and as fresh.

Yet, Swiss people have chosen not to add one to their toilets. Well, not all of them, at least; surprisingly enough, they are quite common in Ticino, the biggest of the two Italian-speaking cantons of the Confederation. It must be a cultural thing, obviously, because they are quite common in Italy, and, needless to say, in Argentina, a country that can be legitimately perceived as a branch of the Italian corporation, just like New Jersey.

But the French- and German-speaking parts of the country? Nope, nothing, nada. Wipe your ass with dead trees, thankyousomuch. Dammit.

I do believe that bidets could help reduce carbon emissions, if anything, because you don’t need to kill trees to make one, and they can be used over and over for years, even decades. But no, clearly global warming gurus haven’t thought of this one. Assholes.